Thursday, June 04, 2009

Sleep stories


When I was a little kid, I used to remember my dreams almost every night. They were a vivid and prevalent part of my life and sometimes when I was awake, I'd make up stories about the characters I'd met in them (usually while I was supposed to be paying attention in class). I was pretty good at remembering the events in them, and when I was really little, would "read" aloud while looking at picture books the stories that had happened while I was sleeping. (I don't think my parents ever figured out where these stories came from). Then suddenly, this stopped. I don't remember exactly when, but sometime in my pre-teen years, I stopped remembering my dreams altogether. This continued for a decade or so of my life.
Then about 5 years ago, they started popping up again. Every so often, I will have a week or so where I remember every dream I have almost every night. While they've occasionally dove into dark places, they're usually just waaaaaaay out there, sometimes to the point where I'm completely disoriented the next day. Sometimes, they're just a composite of everything that's going on at a particular time, maybe serving as a way for me to sort things out in my mind. I've also had some ridiculously cheesy symbolic dreams (there was one where I was underwater with a whale that was spinning in circles for fun. When I emerged from the sea, there was a white kitten sitting on the beach. Then I woke up. I'm not kidding). And yes, I have had some LOST related dreams (involving time-travel even!). I've figured out that the re-emergence of my dream memories usually corresponds with something important that's either happening or about to happen in my life.
I started writing this about a week ago, when I started waking mid-dream again. I was going to abandon it, but over the past couple of days, things have started to get a little darker than usual. Its gotten to the point where every time I lay down to sleep for any amount of time, my brain makes up tumultuous stories of terrible things happening in my life. I had one last night during which all of my friends and family forgot who I was. I was holding a ratty, dusty piece of paper with all their phone numbers and one at a time, I was going down the list trying to get a hold of anyone who remembered me. There was another where I came home (it was winter) and my apartment had been completely gutted, my pets let go, my stuff thrown away and everything painted completely white. Several of my friends have made recurring appearances too. Usually they're driving by in a car or passing on the sidewalk trying to speak to me but I can't hear a word they're saying no matter how hard I try. What's terrifying is how vivid they are. Its gotten to the point where the stress is making me feel as though I haven't slept at all. I even fell asleep at my desk earlier this week because of a particularly sad dream that kept me from fully resting the night before.
So, if remembering my dreams in the past has always served as an alert for something about to happen in my life, what can these dreams possibly mean? Maybe its just simply a new doorway that's been opened but I can't shake this feeling that there's something I really need to be paying attention to, or some direction I need to change in the path I'm on. In any case, I need to figure it out soon. I don't want them to disappear altogether again, but if there's something I need to know, I wish at least some clue would pop up. Then maybe I can make the necessary changes in my life and go back to having weird dreams about time travel and beach combing kittens. And more importantly, get some much needed rest.

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