The Comfort of Not Knowing

If there's one thing I can say I know definitively about myself its that I have severe life ADD. I come up with a plan, scheme or grand idea for the future or maybe just a temporary adventure then something inevitably comes along and either throws me all the way off course or distracts me from staying focused on achieving whatever it is I set out to do. I miss deadlines, I forget to make phone calls, I spend money I should be saving and I occasionally get caught in a wave of feeling down that prevents me from making any steps forward.
After one of these giant shiny things distracts me from following through on whatever grand plan I was working on, I get stung by the feeling of letting myself and the people around me down. I talk a lot, so I tell the people close to me what I'm trying to embark on before really knowing the details of how or when then I inevitably have to go back and explain myself when things don't go as planned. What's equally as bad is the feeling that I've missed a great opportunity. Like, one of these ideas could actually have led me to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and the boat has now sailed leaving me to wander and wander and wander without purpose for the rest of my life.
Which brings me to the night sky. Between traveling to the suburbs see the meteor shower last week to traveling to Northern Minnesota this weekend where the sky is clearer than it will ever be in the cities, I've done a lot of staring upwards. As I tried to sleep in the oppressive heat of last Friday night in a tugboat-turned-trailer, I watched an incredible lightning storm roll through for a couple of hours before it brought the rain and thunder with it. Earlier last week, I laid on top of a picnic table waiting patiently for what totaled out to be about 4 meteors streaking across the sky. If there's one thing a person can learn from watching the night sky its that we don't know anything. There is so much here and beyond that we can't explain, don't know, can't put in any sort of box or wrap any known theories around but its there anyway. This being the case, I am comforted. I am doing the best I can and trying to live and enjoy every minute I have here and of course I'm going to struggle with not knowing while I'm trying to do this. This does not give me an excuse to ignore all future signs and flake out on all opportunities but it does help me achieve a sense of calm over the mistakes I've made in the past. The other equally important thread these two events have in common is that both were experienced surrounded by some amazing people. Somehow, despite the fact that I feel like I continuously stumble and falter with the direction my life is taking, I have so many amazing people around me to spend this time with. And the fact that they're here leads me to believe I'm on at least one correct course.
I don't know if any of these ideas or plans I've had in the past would have borne fruit. I don't know whether I've already missed the opportunity to find my path, whether the opportunity or path actually exist or whether I just need to be patient but I do know one thing. The small risks and steps I've taken have brought me to some incredibly fucking amazing people who have accepted me into their lives and challenged me to be the person I am right now. If I achieve nothing else in this lifetime, at least I have that.